Stewart Lee told me my resignation speech from The Infinite Monkey Cage was too long.
STEWART LEE!
TOO LONG!
This either means that it should have been shorter, after all, Alan Bennett’s favourite stand up knows a thing or two about words and how to use them,
OR
It means that actually it wasn’t nearly long enough.
Had it been five or six hours with perpetual loops of the same sentence, Stewart may have considered it a resignation speech worked through the philosophies of John Cage. Sadly, I had chosen to make it just long enough to be too long but not so long it could be art.
A week later Stewart took his mock revenge on me for taking up too much of his time, and did a parody of my resignation speech on stage at the Nine Lessons show on Thursday evening. It was his resignation from the Nine Lessons shows because he felt our failure to acknowledge his beliefs in Bigfoot were no longer tenable. It was very funny, but a little too soon for me, and it caused a bit of a downward spiral. This was not Stewart’s fault, this was just the internal battles I was having getting used to the bridge I had put a match to.
I wrote many statements after I resigned in September.
I saw visions of what would happen at the end of that final episode.
In times of intense delusion, I would see my departure being directed by Frank Capra.
It was a difficult few months, especially when the Director General of the BBC resigned and part of story was that the BBC was not critical enough of the trans community and far too left wing and progressive.
That whole story was topsy turvy to me (as was the extraordinary bias on the reporting of the Sandie Peggie case by the majority of news outlets). Having two months to think about why you have resigned before you publicly resign was an enervating experience, though I rarely doubted my decision. Everything that happened over the previous five years that led to this had a habit of rearing up as malevolent ghosts.
Similarly, since the final episode went out on Christmas Day, much has continued to churn within me. The hardest part was every time that a family or individual came up to me after a show and a talk and said, “Never stop making The Infinite Monkey Cage, we all love it”.
I would nod, even though I knew it would soon be over for me.
After the resignation became public, I was fully aware that the rabid anti trans preachers in particular would pour out their hot saliva over the story. It has been the usual dismal carnival of abuse, crack-pottery and cruelty from this despicable cult, mixed up with lies and conjecture..
They claw at their cognitive dissonance like Roderick Usher trying to support the beams of his crumbling house.
I was also intrigued by the BBC’s stock reply to anyone who complained that I felt I had no choice but to resign.
“All BBC staff and freelancers are expected to respect civility in public discourse and not bring the BBC into disrepute”.
I think I am surprisingly civil on social media considering the viciousness and lies that I’ve experienced on social media in the last five years. People getting in contact with authors to say they shouldn’t work with me as I “hate women” (ie I must hate women as I do not agree with dehumanising trans women), that I am “a rape apologist” , “rape promoter” and even worse, amongst the usual threats of violence.
The relentless slur that I hated women ironically began because I attempted to stand up for four cis women, all whom have had numerous attacks on them throughout their career for standing up for women’s rights. Each had committed the cardinal sin of offering support for the trans community and so were fair game. A further irony is that this hate towards them was stirred up by a man.
I remain incredibly disappointed that I felt that I could not continue the show and who knows where new freedom will take me, perhaps to a sunny field that actually leads to the abattoir. I remain full of ideas and keep meeting people whose work I want to share with as many people as possible.
At the end of our recording at the NIA theatre, as the other guests and Brian Cox left the stage, I stood up. Our wonderful producer stood up to thank the audience, but I told her that I needed to say something and it might be best to keep distant as I didn’t want anyone implicated in something I had kept secret from everyone. I can’t remember the last time I shook so much when standing before an audience. I felt intensely emotional. As we finished the recording, my mind was still questioning whether I could do this, or just make it all easy and leave the stage for the final time with no one knowing they would never see me at a Monkey Cage again.
I had my three pages pf A4 in my back pocket, but wasn’t going to read it out verbatim. I have rarely followed the faintest semblance of a script for over 200 episodes, why start now?
At the end, I walked straight off and sat alone in a stairwell, eyes wet and in need of darkness.
My pal Zena later told me she wished I’d stayed for a moment as there was a standing ovation and many people were in tears.
I have felt empowered by so many of the messages I have received since.
A couple of years ago, I could not have taken such a bold, possibly foolish, action. Understanding my mind and how it works has done a great deal for my courage.
Jamie + Lion changed me by explaining my neurodivergent mind. There are others who played a part in giving me courage - Lucia Osborne Crowley, whose work on bringing Epstein and the culture of abuse into the light has been so important.
Poets like Alexis Pauline Gumbs and Salena Goden have similarly been vital voices, as well as artists such as Josie Long and Jen Brister.
There will be new projects and tours (Cambridge, Belfast, London and Cornwall all coming up this month) and such through The Cosmic Shambles Network as ever, so follow them (Instagram and BlueSky and YouTube) and me (Instagram and BlueSky) to keep up to date, and you can always sign up to our Patreon to support as well.
Below is the statement I put out on my socials after the final recording in case you’ve not read it.
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 | A guest post by
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Really sad news… I really don’t have words to describe how angry I am with the BBC; there needs to be a revolution in Broadcasting House.